After going around the market in search of Veronica’s toothpaste without success, I returned home to find my wife sitting in the parlor. She was eating bread with honey. Beside her was a glass of wine and pizza.
At first, I felt like tiptoeing to my bedroom. But when I saw those items on the table I decided to just go and face my fears. I was going to find a way for her to forgive me so I can join her and eat what she had bought.
I knew my wife was angry with me.
Usually, she will stand up and embrace me. But this time she just hissed like a snake and turned her face away.
“My lovely wife, Good evening.”
My wife didn’t reply. She started licking her hands and humming her tribal song.
I walked to her and squatted in front of her.
“Baby, I know you are angry with me.”
My wife started talking and splashing me saliva.
“Yes. Praises I am angry. Why will you be dreaming about Veronica? Who is Veronica?”
“I swear, Veronica is a type of toothpaste.”
“You are still lying.”
“No, I am not. Veronica toothpaste is in America. It is not in Nigeria. NAFDAC banned it. Google it. Just check. I don’t have data I would have shown you.”
“O stop it. I am not a child. You were screaming Veronica in your sleep and touching your manhood. What has Veronica got to do with your manhood?”
“Me? Manhood? But In the dream I was holding my nose because I was choking.”
“Choking from the sweetness of Veronica I guess. While in real life you were holding your penis because obviously you were about to cum inside your so-called Veronica”
“Babe not that. I swear. It was the oxygen.”
“Oxygen? Which oxygen?”
I gulped down swallowed.
“Honey, tonight is our night. It is our freaky Friday. We’ve not had a perfect freaky Friday in two months now.”
“And who is to be blamed?”
“I know you will say me. I know.”
My wife picked a slice of big meat and threw it in her mouth.
“My love, I want this night to be a good one. See my manhood is standing for you.”
My wife looked at it and started laughing and clapping hands.
She ate the last meat and drank the last pizza.
Then she stood up.
“Your manhood is standing for me. Manhood that you used on Veronica in the dream. God forbid. Tell your manhood that it will stand till it old.”
She started walking to the bedroom.
Just as she was about to enter, she stopped and turned.
“Emm, by the way. All those things I ate is 50k. It is proudly sponsored by your ATM card which you forgot at home. If not that I used the money to cool down my temper you would have heard from me.”
I opened my mouth to shout.
This woman opened eyes for me.
“Do you want to talk? You want trouble?”
I shook my head.
She jammed the door and locked me outside.
My name is Praises Chidera Obiora and I am the best at what I do.