Uncle Killi me (A STORY)
I was only eight years old when I knew of uncle ‘killi me.’ That man was our best uncle.
Ah, uncle ‘killi me’ use to give us five-five naira to go and buy sweets outside the compound. That man was a very sweet uncle.
The reason was this, Uncle ‘killi me’ lived in one of the seven flats which was in our compound. The remaining flats were occupied by families with plenty of children. My family was one of the tenants living in that compound.
Uncle ‘Killi me’ was a small ashewo. Well, that is what my mother usually called him. This was because she claimed he brought in different women to the compound and will take them into his house and spend several hours with them before coming out.
All the women kept chanting was ‘Killi me. Killi me. Killi me o.….’
Whenever Uncle Killi me’ brought home a new lady, he would bribe us.
Firstly, he wanted us to leave the compound and go and play outside.
Secondly, he wanted us to run and hug the woman he had brought home.
There is this feeling the women usually felt when we hugged them. They felt like they were welcomed. They felt like future wives to uncle ‘killi me.’ They felt like we were all happy to see them.
I was the leader of this gang. I was a very good hugger. The way I will hug uncle ‘Killi me’ numerous girlfriends, made the women think I was uncle ‘killi me’ biological son. This made Uncle ‘killi me’ choose me as his favorite amongst the children. And this was because I was also very handsome and had this cute innocent looks too.
When we had completed our rituals, uncle killi me tipped us five-five naira each and told us to go out and play until he was done with his woman. Of cause we all obeyed. We jumped like monkeys and ran out like donkeys to buy sweets.
One day, while we were playing our usual police and thief game in the compound, I sighted Uncle Killi me walking home with a woman. Okonkwo who was standing beside me shouted in parables.
I was not surprised he shouted. This woman was the size of a hippopotamus. She had a breast that was the size of a full-grown cow. If not that I had known Uncle ‘killi me’, I would have thought he was a small boy returning with his mother.
“Plaises. Plaises!’ Okonkwo tapped my laps incessantly.
“Look at uncle killi me. He is coming’ he pointed.
I stood up and ran with my mouth and arms wide open. Other children joined me behind like zombies.
While they went to hug Uncle ‘Killi me’, I went for the fresh fat woman uncle ‘Killi me’ had brought.
I wrapped my arms around her laps and felt so much softness. I didn’t realize how strong the bed in our house was until I had felt Aunty’s laps.
Aunty lifted me effortlessly like a trophy and landed me on her huge breast.
O sharma!
I was in heaven.
That was the only woman I had hugged whose hip bone didn’t hit my face. She was the only woman who had carried me and made me feel like I was lying down on a Vitafoam and not on our small bamboo bed at home. This woman was fleshy. She had the softness of a female cow.
I innocently placed my right hand on her huge breast, while I wrapped the other around her neck as she walked.
Aunty was bouncing.
Her water Mellon’s were also bouncing.
My small hands were going front and back like a nodding head.
I watched as she smiled while we approached the compound. The warm welcome she had received brought joy to her. She held me tighter and pressed me upon her chest like one about to smash a loaf of bread.
“Oya Praises come down and live aunty alone.” Uncle Killi me beckoned.
“No. I want to follow aunty inside the house.” I retorted in a baby’s tone and shook my head and legs.
Uncle killi me and aunty laughed. Aunty even robbed my head with her soft hands.
“Awnnn. I love this boy.” She kissed my cheeks.
There is a kind of kiss that sparks lighting in a man’s head. That kiss made me think of Aunty all the while we were playing our police and thief game.
The police was suppose to shoot thief, and the thief was supposed to die.
Luckily for me, I was the thief. Okonkwo my friend was the police.
While Uncle ‘killi me’ and his big fat woman had gone in to settle down, I sneaked back into the gate and went behind uncle ‘killi me’ bedroom window to hide from Okonkwo the police.
While I was hiding, that was where I heard it all for the very first time in my life.
Uncle killi me was shouting…
“Amaka Killi me. Killi me. Please killi me o. Knacki me. Knacki me fast. Killi me now.”
I was carefully listening and wondering what was happening when Okonkwo ran with his stick and caught me on aware behind the window.
I shuddered as I saw him.
“Pa—- paaa—” he sounded with his mouth and stretched his hands towards me.
This boy really expected me to pretend to fall down and die at this point so that he could become the thief and I will become police.
I stood firm and started starring at him with one corner eyes. If I became police, that means I will have to run away from the window, leaving Okonkwo to enjoy all the rhythm coming from the bedroom.
“Oya Praises die now. I have shoot you.”
“Die for wetin? Who die in where? Where will I die? Did you killi me?”
“But I killi you now now. You have to die now o.” he shouted angrily.
“Okay wait,” Okonkwo snapped his fingers at me. “If you like don’t die and see. I will go and tell your mummy that you are listening to uncle ‘Killi me’ songing songs for his girlfriends in his bedroom.”
My eyes opened wide. So Okonkwo knew about this all along. No wonder he went through the stress of locating me. This guy had left twelve other thieves outside the gate and chased me to kill me at the back of Uncle ‘Killi me’ window.
Enemies of progress everywhere.
“Okonkwo come na… Oya see I have die. Okonkwo Come back, I have die. okay come back and shoot me again let me die true true.”
My name is Praises Chidera Obiora and I am the best at what I do.
